This blog post already feels like a therapy writing session for myself. Read on if interested, head off to bed if it sounds like a snooze-fest for you. No hard feelings. I'm writing without editing and putting my insecurities and realizations into words because this part of our journey has been so full of life-lessons and personal reflection...and I must write it down! I'm realizing how remarkable it is to really hear what your life is telling you. I can't really say I have ever really paid such close attention before...and it's enlightening to see how full-circle things can bring you.
I'm going to try and write off-the-cuff without sounding like a cliche' or editorial in a self-help magazine. But honestly...it feels like that's where I'm going...so bear with me.
I'll start here...
The past eight months have been a gift...the universe knew Kipper and I needed to step away from our lives for a moment, and it nudged us just enough to actually make us do it. Now, I sit on the outside of it all, looking in and that perspective is such a clear picture of so many things I know now I was doing wrong...and some that I was getting right. But either way, it feels good to know.
The truth is after gaining that perspective, I'm terrified of losing it.
The Quiet
I was terribly over-committed in what we'll call my "normal" life last year. I hardly ever said, "no" because I like to be a part of everything. I have a hard time focusing on one thing, I always have. I am always brainstorming. I like people; I like being involved in the forward motion of things. I have a huge desire to be a part of positive energy in the world. I want my kids to watch their parents be a part of something meaningful. I want people around me to feel a supportive vibe...so I don't usually turn down opportunities when asked. I see the good in that quality...but realize now that it was making me forget to sit in the silence. And to be honest, I wasn't always nice to those I love most, which was ultimately making me feel disappointed in myself. Being busy is a wonderful, powerful energy that I love to feel...but if you're not careful, it can make you forget to stop and appreciate the clean air you are breathing, the healthy body carrying you, the amazing intentional natural world around us and the beautiful healthy children growing in fast forward right in front of you. The basic, simple (but truly fantastic) things in life that we can so easily begin to take for granted.
I felt in my "normal" life that I was doing it all for my kids and family...but they were not feeling my love. I was spread too thin, and therefore I was missing the feeling you get when you sit past a couple of minutes with someone. Something happens when you've been hanging out with one person in a quiet space for longer than a moment...you scratch the surface and begin to understand them and really know them. I've noticed that when I have the opportunity to sit in a quiet, uninterrupted space with at least one of my kids, I immediately feel a deeper connection with them. Within minutes. We end up talking about everything, playing together, brainstorming ideas and our relationships are stronger now than they were a year ago.
I don't have time to meditate yet but my life is quieter. I am so grateful for that feeling.
So, as we embark on the next part of this journey, and life goes back to school lunches and after-school activities, I feel afraid of losing sight of that clarity.
To keep it real, and because for some reason when I talk about the good stuff, I always feel like I must balance it with the tough stuff...I must include this: Of course I have moments when we are rushing around, late for something or we get in a hurry and forget to be kind to one another. Life still happens even when you're slowing down. Of course we have those moments all of the time regardless of the point I'm making here...but the difference is we typically have time to come back around and sincerely address it, apologize and make it good. There is less regret, less anger and much more of a desire and ease to laugh it off.
Texas vs Colorado
Aughhh...the dilemma that sparked the pros & cons list hanging on my refrigerator right now. The conversations Kipper and I have every date night. The big-picture decision we are finding it impossible to make. Do we live in Colorado and enjoy the mountain-life or live near family in Texas and start saying y'all? I don't know.
Many people have said that they knew we'd consider living in Texas after this year, but I can honestly say that I did not think we'd end up doing it. We missed family and wanted to travel more, so I thought we'd get a big dose of both in a year and then go back to life as usual. But something happened I didn't see coming...we began to feel a comfort and ease we didn't know was missing when we "lived" around our family and friends from Texas. We have spent the last 12 years fighting to make it on our own in Colorado...we moved there without jobs, and eventually worked our way through a couple of houses and finally settled in a life-style in which we felt was acceptable to raise our kids. Our life was comfortable and we worked hard for it. We sort of forgot that there is this whole other level of closeness you have with people who have known you your whole life...and began to want our kids to have that feeling too.
The truth is, we miss our family and friends in Texas AND we love our home-away-from-home family in Colorado. We love so many things about both, and we're hoping after (way too much!) soul-searching, prayer and surrender, something will tip the scale and we'll decide.
But...we are paying close attention and I do trust that we'll figure it out and land on our feet together, and hopefully with our new life-lessons in tow.
